He flew to Utah a couple weeks after that. We were just hitting it off so well. One night as we were talking he opened up. I knew that he had had cancer and had been through so much a few years earlier. We had talked about that, but this night he went into much more depth--especially the side effects of all the treatments that he had undergone. He told me how he would probably never be able to have biological children and he asked how I felt about adoption. This kind of shocked me, but I cared about Ryan and wanted to pursue this relationship. I wasn't going to end things because of this news. And adoption had always appealed to me.
We continued our long distance relationship. In June, after about 6 weeks of going back and forth, I made the decision to move to Washington to be closer to him. Timing of the blind date was perfect so that I could make this decision. I had recently graduated from BYU and was working at two part time jobs that I could easily leave. In July I moved to Washington. I found a job and in August Ryan proposed.
We were married in October. From the first date to our wedding was not quite 6 months. I swore I would never do that, oh well, he was the right one, at the right time, in the right place.
We went on a cruise for our honeymoon. It was awesome! 
After being married for about 6 months, we both individually decided that it was time to add to our family of two. We knew that we would need to see the fertility specialist and do in-vitro fertilization (IVF) in order to have a baby. As we went through the IVF treatments, we had all the faith in the world that it was going to happen. The doctor told us that there was not a very good chance, but we had faith. Unfortunately it didn’t work. We were completely heartbroken.
Ryan and I filled out all the paperwork and did all the necessary things to get approved for adoption. After we were approved we told everyone that we knew that we were trying to adopt and asked them to help spread the news. A little over a year after we had been approved we got an email from my aunt who lives in another state. She told me that she knew someone that was pregnant and not married and was considering placing her son for adoption. My aunt had shared with her our blog and information. Our sweet Julie read it and felt like we were to be the parents of her little boy. She emailed a couple of days and we read the sweetest words: “I've read your blog and it really touched me. Ever since I found out I was pregnant I never felt much like it was supposed to be mine. Please let me know if you can consider adopting my son. I know you will be a great choice.” We immediately felt so peaceful. We started emailing back and forth and building a relationship with her. We visited her a few weeks later and she immediately felt like family. About 3 months after she contacted us for the first time, she called us to let us know that the baby was going to be born that day. We jumped on the next flight and made it to the hospital a few hours after our sweet baby Lucas was born.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. RESOLVE has encouraged people to bust some myths surrounding infertility and I decided to weigh in.
Myth #1: "So and so had cancer and they were able to have 3 children after."
I know that you are well meaning, but this is not our case. It kind of hurts when people say this. It is almost like saying to a cancer patient, "My aunt had cancer and died last year." You don't want to hear that. Ryan's cancer was probably very different than so and so and because of that we are never going to be able to have biological children.
Myth #2 "Just adopt and then you will get pregnant."
First off, don't ever say JUST adopt. Deciding to adopt should be proceeded by many serious discussions. It is not easy. There are mounds of paperwork that need to be filled out and it took us months and months to finally get approved. After we were approved there was a lot of time that went by that nothing happened and we were on an emotional roller coaster. We have been blessed with a miracle named Lucas and his amazing birth family, but it didn't come until after a lot of time and trial.
Secondly, not everyone that adopt gets pregnant. I know that there are couples that do and that is amazing, but we hear about those stories because they are amazing. There are plenty more couples that adopt and never get pregnant.
Infertility is something that I will always deal with. Yes, I know that we have been so blessed and that we have a perfect little baby now, but infertility creeps up on me every so often and I have to find ways to deal with it. Adoption is not a cure for infertility, it is a cure for childlessness. There is a quote by Barbara Eck Manning that says:
My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug-maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, "There's my old friend." It will always be part of me...
We have been "lucky" in a sense that we know the cause of our infertility and that we haven't had the month to month disappointment. We still deal with it sometimes and it still hurts, not as much, but it is still there at times.
After I told someone last week that Lucas was adopted she asked if I had children of my own too. I took a deep breath in and said that he is ours and that he is our miracle. Look at that face, he is a miracle and we are so grateful for his wonderful birth family.
I think it's so strange that people say "just adopt and you'll get pregnant." Do they really believe that physical limitations will be resolved if adoption happens?
ReplyDeleteI love that quote because no matter when or how I have children, infertility will always be apart of me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteI am a cancer survivor, struggling with infertility. Everything you wrote is what I deal with and so much of what I want everyone to know.
Your Lucas is so lovely! That smile is precious.
My sincerest thanks,
Stacy
Thanks for the good reminders, Buddy! Love you!
ReplyDeleteHi. I can appreciate many things you have said here (and I have heard them, repeatedly) I know mostly everyone is well meaning and/or *misled*, but it is hard to hear it and to prepare the proper reply each time. FYI, my infertility is due to early on-set menopause. The doctor's told me that getting pregnant is nearly impossible, and if I somehow by some crazy chance did get pregnant that I would most likely lose the child because of my egg quality...yet just about everyone is expecting me to get pregnant anyhow, and many people somehow see the adoption as a second-best or a fix-it (?!) ...moving right along.... My husband and I are adopting internationally, China, and I had always wanted to adopt so this was an exciting progression for me. Our home study is this week, but the process will take about another year and a half. God bless you, and thanks for sharing. It is nice to know that others out there understand. ;)
ReplyDeleteI am a bmom and the parents who adopted my son never did conceive. I am not going to sit here and pretend I know of their struggles because I don't and the mom and I actually talked about the percentage of women who conceived after adoption but she just nodded and said I wish that was our luck.
ReplyDeleteI think the problem is that some people are just TOO nosy or opinionated and don't think before they speak. If you don't have X issue its hard to place yourself in others shoes and feel their pain. To be perfectly honest most of the time its none of the other persons business and you don't have to share your story but you do because you are STRONG.
Lucas is a handsome baby! From what I can see in your blog you have so much love to give and I will look forward to more posts from you. :)