He flew to Utah a couple weeks after that. We were just hitting it off so well. One night as we were talking he opened up. I knew that he had had cancer and had been through so much a few years earlier. We had talked about that, but this night he went into much more depth--especially the side effects of all the treatments that he had undergone. He told me how he would probably never be able to have biological children and he asked how I felt about adoption. This kind of shocked me, but I cared about Ryan and wanted to pursue this relationship. I wasn't going to end things because of this news. And adoption had always appealed to me.
We continued our long distance relationship. In June, after about 6 weeks of going back and forth, I made the decision to move to Washington to be closer to him. Timing of the blind date was perfect so that I could make this decision. I had recently graduated from BYU and was working at two part time jobs that I could easily leave. In July I moved to Washington. I found a job and in August Ryan proposed.
We were married in October. From the first date to our wedding was not quite 6 months. I swore I would never do that, oh well, he was the right one, at the right time, in the right place.
We went on a cruise for our honeymoon. It was awesome! 
After being married for about 6 months, we both individually decided that it was time to add to our family of two. We knew that we would need to see the fertility specialist and do in-vitro fertilization (IVF) in order to have a baby. As we went through the IVF treatments, we had all the faith in the world that it was going to happen. The doctor told us that there was not a very good chance, but we had faith. Unfortunately it didn’t work. We were completely heartbroken.
Ryan and I filled out all the paperwork and did all the necessary things to get approved for adoption. After we were approved we told everyone that we knew that we were trying to adopt and asked them to help spread the news. A little over a year after we had been approved we got an email from my aunt who lives in another state. She told me that she knew someone that was pregnant and not married and was considering placing her son for adoption. My aunt had shared with her our blog and information. Our sweet Julie read it and felt like we were to be the parents of her little boy. She emailed a couple of days and we read the sweetest words: “I've read your blog and it really touched me. Ever since I found out I was pregnant I never felt much like it was supposed to be mine. Please let me know if you can consider adopting my son. I know you will be a great choice.” We immediately felt so peaceful. We started emailing back and forth and building a relationship with her. We visited her a few weeks later and she immediately felt like family. About 3 months after she contacted us for the first time, she called us to let us know that the baby was going to be born that day. We jumped on the next flight and made it to the hospital a few hours after our sweet baby Lucas was born.
I see women all around me with new babies or pregnant
bellies. Some of them on the second, third, fourth, even fifth babies. I am
ready for another baby. I want Lucas to be a big brother. I want my children to
be close in age, like I am with my sisters.
Adoption is a hard thing too. The waiting and wondering and
waiting. Last year we were contacted by someone and got our hopes up that we
would be able to adopt again. We found out that she was lying to us about being
pregnant and just wanted attention. That made us feel embarrassed and sad and
angry and very skeptical. We worry that we are not cool enough, or cute enough,
or make enough money. Sometimes it feels like we are getting rejected over and
over. On our profile we can see how many views each section gets. Before Lucas
I would look almost daily, but this time around I know better. I only look
every few weeks. This time it is a lot easier on our patience. We have Lucas and
we are parents. Waiting so long before to be parents was so hard. This time
around we are more patient and don't think about it every second of every day.
We are trying to be hopeful. We know that things will work out, maybe not the
way that we planned, but they will work out how they are supposed to.
I had it all mapped out in front
of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.
I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.
I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
All of this is worth it. It is our beautiful heartbreak.
I can't imagine how hard infertility and the adoption process must be. Although I've experienced infertility, you can't compare it. It feels like a completely different thing.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to being happy a sometimes and getting slapped in the face at other times. I find myself crying quite often because even though I have Beck, infertility is still so tender. We don't know if we'll be successful in having any more children biologically and that uncertainty is difficult to face. Our joy with Beck is so great, I want to be able to experience that with other children. It's hard to see something that's so difficult for some, come so easy for others.
I've been thinking about you guys a lot lately and pray and fast for you often.
Thank you for writing this. Although I have 1 child I am struggling with infertility as well. Most of the time I feel like nobody understands, even my spouse. I have felt the same as you! You wrote it so well! Good luck to you, I hope you are able to adopt soon!
ReplyDeleteAlicia, I may be the last person you want to hear from...but I just wanted to send you a little love. I had a miscarriage a year ago, and I remember the feelings of...desperation. "But wait...I WANTED that! It was MINE!" It is so easy to get jaded, and to give up hope. (Baby #3 is LITERALLY due any day, and I still can't seem to let myself get excited, or even believe I really get to take home a healthy baby.)
ReplyDeleteYou are such a strong woman, and I'm just sure you're an amazing mama. "Chi sau dou dai", Baahk. You're a really, really important part of a village. For my kids, their oldest Aunt (my twin sister) is next in line after Mom and Dad in importance. A great relationship with aunts, uncles and cousins is priceless. (I am NOT saying it replaces being a Mom..never give up on that goal. I'm just trying to say that being an aunt is really REALLY important, too.)
<3
We love you guys! And we hope that 2013 will bring a happy addition to your family. I love that you wrote about what you're feeling--I'm a strong believer in giving voice to the things that are hard for us and that hurt us. I think it is important and helps us to deal emotionally with them. I hope you can continue writing, even if it's not in a public forum.
ReplyDeleteWow you're really brave to write this.. My cousin is adopted and his parents love him tremendously like their own. We all kinda forgot that he's adopted because really, he's like one of us. No different than any of us. :)
ReplyDeleteStay strong and we wish u all the best! :)
This is one of the bravest, most beautiful things I have ever read. I randomly found your story through twitter and I'm so glad I did. This gives me so much insight into how friends who are struggling with infertility may be feeling. Thanks for your courage!
ReplyDeleteGood blog and this is the great success has been achieved by having a child in your arms after a long period of loneliness.
ReplyDeleteGood news for all infertile parents and new ray of hope for them.
ReplyDeleteGreat and informative article on fighting with infertility.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. This was the comfort I needed tonight! I just randomly came across this while googling LDS adoption blog. It's nice to know that someone out there feels the same as I do. And now I know what to call those sudden outbursts of sadness! ��
ReplyDelete