Hope

(necklace)

hope [hohp] : 1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best; 2. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence; 3. to believe, desire, or trust; 4. to feel that something desired may happen

I wear this necklace almost daily to remind me of what I hope for the most. As I put it on and hold it throughout the day, I think of a sweet girl who is making an incredible decision that will help us become a family of three.

On other days I wear this one:

When I wear this one people comment about my necklace and then I can share my testimony about adoption. I love adoption.

Empty cribs and hearts

Something devastating happened this week and it has been weighing on my mind all week. My cousin passed away. He was younger than I am. I haven't seen him since Thanksgiving at Grandma's three years ago. Through this tragedy, I have realized just how much I love my family, my entire family. My mother has 10 brothers and sisters, and so I have many, many cousins. I want to be with them and tell them how much I love them. And just cry with them. I tried to figure out a way to make it down there and support them, but it didn't work out. I love my family and am so happy to have the family I have. Tell those around you that you love them often. And find joy in the journey as President Monson says.

If there are people reading this, you may have noticed that I am supporting National Adoption Month by posting things about adoption. Today I am going to post something a little bit more personal; some of my feelings.

We put up the crib and did a few things to the baby's room recently. I don't know if this was a good idea or a bad idea. It is nice to have things in there to remind us that this is our goal. And maybe to exercise our faith that we will be parents. It is a reminder that there is an end in sight and that this is what we are hoping and praying for everyday. Some days I just have to shut the door and not look in there, because it stings that we have not been blessed with children, yet.

My heart yearns to be a mother. And although that is my #1 goal right now, our infertility and adoption status do not define me. These things weigh on my mind very frequently, but I am able to enjoy other things. I definitely cry more than I want to, but I am so happy. I feel so blessed and know that the blessings keep coming. The Lord has a plan for us and our little family. My family will be created by divine design. We plead with Heavenly Father daily that the birth mother of our child we be courageous and that she will be supported in her decision to place. We plead that she will be able to recognize us and know that we are the right family and we will know that that baby is the right baby. I know it will happen, and it will happen in the Lord's time. Our baby will come to us and fill that crib and our hearts.

Dispelling the Myths

Today as I was telling someone about the adoption conference I went to. I explained how I was uplifted and felt support from so many others: people who have adopted before, are trying to adopt, were adopted, and placed for adoption. I was inspired by the birth parents who told their stories and "just knew" that adoption was right for them. As I told this person all of this, this person said, "Well don't they feel guilty about giving (cringe-see previous post) their child away?" I had to take a deep breath and not lash out but use it as a teaching moment about adoption.

Here are some myths about adoption:

Most birth mothers who place their babies for adoption are teenagers. Most birth mothers who choose adoption are in their early twenties, although women of all ages make this decision.

Birth parents who place their babies for adoption are abandoning their responsibility and taking the “easy way out.” There is no easy way out of unplanned pregnancy; any option involves emotional pain. Most birth mothers who do not choose abortion make the choice initially to parent their babies. Those who choose adoption do so after taking some time to carefully consider their options and the best interests of their child. Adoption is a courageous, loving choice which shows that the birth mother takes seriously the responsibility to be a parent.

An adoptive parent cannot love a child as much as a biological parent can. Love is not based on biology. Many loving relationships are between individuals who are not related to each other, such as husbands and wives. The love of a parent comes from preparing for a child and selflessly nurturing and caring for that child.

A birth mother can reclaim her child after adoption. Once a birth mother’s rights have been terminated, she cannot reclaim her child. Cases of birth parents obtaining custody after adoption are extremely rare and are exaggerated by the media.

After a child has been placed, a birth mother cannot have any contact with the child. Adoption practices have changed over the years. Today most birth mothers have some contact with their children. Arrangements are agreed upon by the birth mother and the adoptive parents and are based upon the needs and desires of all concerned.

Children who were adopted are more likely to have physical or emotional challenges. It is impossible to predict how any child will turn out, whether biological or adopted. Generally, children who were adopted as infants are as emotionally healthy as children who were not adopted. Children who were adopted when older may have challenges resulting from adverse conditions in their early lives, such as neglect, abuse, or lack of attachment. These challenges do not result from the adoption itself.

Birth mothers never recover from the emotional pain of placing a child for adoption. Birth mothers who choose adoption go through a grieving process, which is a healthy way of dealing with loss. But most birth mothers also report finding peace in the knowledge that they did all in their power to provide the best life possible for their child. They find that the experience gives them the strength and confidence to face other challenges throughout their lives.

Positive Adoption Language

On the way back from Portland today we stopped and hiked up to some waterfalls. It was so beautiful.


"Respectful Adoption Language is very serious business. Just as in advertising we choose our words carefully to portray a postive image of the product we endorse (selling Mustangs rather than Tortoises, New Yorkers rather than Podunkers), and in politics we take great care to use terminology seen positively by the class or group of people it describes. Those of us who feel that adoption is a beautiful and healthy way to form a family and a responsible and respectable alternative to other forms of family planning, ask that you consider the language you use very carefully when speaking about those of us who are touched by adoption!"
--Patricia Irwin Johnston


Positive vs. Negative

Birthparent, biological parent vs. Real parent, natural parent

My Child vs. Adopted child; own child

Parent vs. Adopted parent

To Place; Choose an adoption plan vs. Giving away, Giving up your child

Finding a family to parent your child vs. Putting your child up for adoption

Deciding to parent the child vs. Keeping your baby

Was adopted vs. Is adopted

Born to unwed parents vs. Illegitimate



Please try to use positive adoptive language. I do not want my children to ever feel like they were given up or given away. I know that the birth mothers are placing their children selflessly. They are tenderly placing with purpose and care.

I can't wait

My kids are definitely going to be wearing these...

The Gift of Adoption

Click here to read this article about the gift of adoption. There are four stories from a birth mother, birth father, grandparent, and child.

Adoption is a blessing and a miracle.

Birth Mother:

Giving birth to a beautiful little girl was miraculous. I loved holding her and rocking her. She was so beautiful, and I cried many times her first night on earth. I knew that the next day would bring heartache when it was time to say good-bye.
What made that pain bearable was knowing that placing her for adoption was right. It was the hardest—but most right—thing I have ever done. I signed the papers through sheets of tears and then leaned on family and friends for support. My tears weren’t the only ones shed that day or in the days to come.

Birth Father:
The more real to us the baby became, the less our decision was about us and the more it was about our daughter. Andrea and I both acknowledged that many adoptive parents could provide our daughter with things that we couldn’t: a stable marriage, a permanent home, and a temple sealing. We wanted these things for our child, and before long, through LDS Family Services, we found a family we thought might be a good fit.
We felt strongly that our child was to go to these parents, a decision we felt confirmed in prayer and again later when Andrea and I met the family.

Grandparent:

The day our grandson was born was a bittersweet one. What a beautiful baby! It would have been easy to change our minds—after all, children are raised by single mothers and grandparents all of the time. Surely we could do it too. But we knew the Lord’s will, and we knew that it was in this child’s best interest for the adoption to proceed. After spending two days with our daughter and grandson in the hospital, my wife and I watched with tears streaming down our faces as Katie handed her son to the caseworker. She exclaimed, “I can’t believe I just did that!” and ran back to her hospital room to cry. My wife later commented that she had never seen greater love than she did as she watched Katie that day. Adoption, she said, truly is about love.

Child:

One of my earliest memories is looking up at my mother after she had tucked me in and asking her if she would tell me a different bedtime story. After all, she had been telling me the same story every night for as long I could remember...
It always started with these words: “Once upon a time, there was a mommy and daddy who wanted very much to have a baby of their own.”

Mom’s story always ended—never without a few tears—with the day she and Dad arrived at the adoption office. A woman brought the “most beautiful baby” they had ever seen, and my parents knew immediately that they would love me forever. All of their once-distant dreams were coming true...
Because of this story, I never doubted my beauty inside or out, and I never doubted my parents’ love for me.

5 Comments NOT to Say to a Birthmom

Taken from here

I. "I could never place my baby for adoption."
This one used to make me cringe each time I heard it. I felt like I had failed at motherhood and the person making the comment has succeeded. That I must have been heartless to be able to do such an act. I felt inferior, like I need to prove something to them.
I have since learned I am not inferior, and I do not have to prove my mothering abilities to anyone. I believe now that comment has more to do with the person making it, than myself. Never has a woman secure in her role as a mother said that to me. Only the doubting, struggling-to-get-by mothers who feel that they must make such a declaration.

II. "What a wonderful gift you have given to a childless couple"
Try to see this one from the Birthmother's point of view. Now, I love my daughter's adoptive parents, but by no means did I place my first born child as a 'gift' to a childless couple. I am not that nice, not that giving. When I clutched my nine month pregnant belly with tears in my eyes, I did not recite the phrase, "Just think how I am giving a special gift to people I do not know".
When it comes down to the day when you hold your child for the first time, all thoughts of anyone else but your child and yourself fade away. There has to a higher reason for placement.
I gave Emily's parents as a gift to my daughter. That was my plan. That was my intention. Now, as an added benefit, I see her parents lives enriched by Emily's existence. Together, we celebrate the gift of knowing our daughter, Emily.

III. "You can have other children"
This speaker means well, I am sure, but this comment can strike the very heart of a Birthmother. Other children? You can never replace another child with another! To try and do so is to dishonor the child you have placed for adoption and the child you use to fill the void.
Let us remember our children. Let us celebrate them. We hold a special place in our hearts where their names will be etched forever.
No matter how many babies you carry out of the hospital with you, you never will forget the one you did not.

IV. A lady once said to me, "That sure is 'nice' of her parents to let you see Emily."
My quick reply was, "That sure was nice of me to give them my baby!"
Needless to say she said nothing more. I try to educate people by telling them my story, even on days I do not feel like doing so. Some, I have learned, are not able to be very teachable on the subject.
Her attitude was that I should be grateful, as a dog is grateful to get scraps from the dinner table. I will not put myself in such a position. I refuse to be the silent shadow in the corner with my eyes downcast.
Aside from the fact my daughter's parents would never treat me in such a fashion, I am grateful to God. The open adoption I have with my daughter is like a gift from Him-a gift that I get to open each time I see her smiling face.

V. The fifth response a Birthmother does not want to hear is an ackward silence.
We want to talk about our children. We want to remember them. We know when you are avoiding it, and it hurts.
I love it when others ask me how Emily is doing and to ask to see the pictures from my recent visit. I enjoy swapping my labor and delivery tales with other mothers. By the way, I was in labor for forty-two hours with my Emily! Ouch!
It is okay to talk about the children we placed. We placed them for adoption. We did not place them out of our thoughts and hearts.
I do not wish to offend others, but to educate how a Birthmother may feel about these five comments. Since not every Birthmother is the same, some may disagree or not be affected by the above.
I hope by reading this article you will feel more confident and comfortable when speaking with a Birthmother. Please do not think we would rather not talk about our children. Silence is the first step to many on the road to shame.

Article "What's best for my baby?"

What's Best For My Baby?

New Era, November 2001

I was unmarried and pregnant. The baby’s father wanted nothing to do with us. Where could I turn? What should I do?

I turned 17 while I was pregnant, and I began working with my bishop so I could take the sacrament again and get my much-anticipated patriarchal blessing. I felt I was doing well and making good decisions for myself, but there was that constant, recurring question of what would be best for my baby.
I knew I wanted her to have a mother and a father, and to be sealed to them for eternity in the temple. I knew the only way to give her everything she needed and deserved was to find a good family and place her for adoption.

Tears showered my face as I walked to the couple, the parents I’d chosen for her. My lips quivered and my hands shook as I placed her in their arms. The emotions I felt were so intense, like none I’d felt before. Inside I just went back and forth, battling how I felt. Was I doing the right thing? Could they love her as much as I did? Then I looked at them. Their happiness was so sincere; their love was pure and true. This was my baby’s family.

I just knew.