Hope is the anchor of my soul

Family and friends often ask us how the adoption process is going. I am always happy that they are thinking about us, but sad that there is currently nothing to report. We have been "trying" for baby #2 for 2 years. We haven't had any kind of contact from an expectant parent in almost a year. It is hard not having any control over when we are going to be able to add to our family. We continue to hope and pray that we will be blessed with more children.

One year ago I posted my thoughts about infertility and the emotional roller coaster of adoption. A slew of birth and pregnancy announcements have been made since then. I continue to try to not let it affect me, but it is hard. My newest nephews (now 15 months and 7 months) that I wanted our next child to be close in age to are now growing up. I wanted to be wrong about our chance to have a child closer in age, but it looks like I was right. A few months ago my sister called me out of the blue. She was miraculously pregnant. With her first child they had to use fertility treatments. Her son was born right we when got approved for the second time. I am so so so happy for her. There are other pregnancy miracles that I have been made aware of recently.  In some of not my best moments I wonder, "Where is our miracle?" I am not proud of those thoughts and get down on myself for them. I know that I can't tell God what to bless me with and when. But I also know that "Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you."

In my last post (6 months ago), I talked about waiting patiently as Lucas grows up. He is now 3. He is potty trained and he is in a big boy bed. He is now a Sunbeam at church. All things that scared me because I didn't want him to grow up so fast especially because he doesn't have a sibling yet. These were all exciting things and I am so proud of my big boy. Now I have moved on to being anxious about him giving up naps, going to preschool, and eventually school. Once again exciting things, but hard on me because it means he is growing up. He prays everyday: "Please bless that we can get a baby." If we don't say it in our prayers, he quickly reminds us to say it. What a sweet boy. We sure love him and he brings us so much joy even if he is growing up too fast.

Lucas at the dentist for the first time. He did so well!

So what do I do? How do I continue to (try to) wait patiently?

I have been focusing on HOPE. "Hope for a better world," "having a perfect brightness of hope," and having "hope smiling brightly before us." I have a Hope wall next to my bed with quotes about hope to help me "trust in happier days ahead."

Whenever we begin to feel

 as if we can no longer go on

HOPE whispers in our ears

to remind us that we are STRONG

----Robert M Hensel

Don't you give up.

Don't you quit.

You keep walking.

You keep trying.

There is help and happiness ahead....

It will be all right in the end.

Trust God

and believe in

good things to come.

-----Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul

And sings a tune-without the words

And never stops at all.

----Emily Dickinson

Hope anchors the soul.

----Hebrews 6:19

A quote that has been running through my head over and over is "The Lord's delays often seem long; some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless. They need never be times of loneliness or sorrow or impatience." I have been trying to figure out how I can make this time to not be lonely or sorrowful and help myself to be patient. This is especially hard during the dreary winter months. I try to stay busy. I make goals for myself to achieve. I play with Lucas. I go to an exercise class. I study the scriptures and conference talks. I serve in my callings. I have something to look forward to (right now it is the Super Bowl--Go Seahawks!)

There are definite times of loneliness and sorrow and impatience, but I would like to think that I am improving. I sure hope I am. My home screen on my phone says: "Believe in miracles" and I do. There are miracles out there for our family. And it will be wonderful and exactly how it is supposed to turn out.

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Go Seahawks! Beat the Broncos!

Reflections: Surviving Infertility and as an Adoptive Mother

We have been approved to adopt a second child for 9 months now. It took us 4 months to get approved. If we had been pregnant, we would be snuggling a little baby now. I wrote the following a couple of months ago. It was therapeutic writing down some of the feelings I was having and have. I debated about whether or not share this, but I decided to let others glimpse into what it is like to deal with infertility and the adoption process.

 

 Sometimes infertility slaps me in the face. I am not expecting it and boom, there it is. It is unbearable. I seem to suck in oxygen, but stop breathing all at the same time. The uncontrollable sobs don't stop for a long time. There is a lot of ugly crying when dealing with infertility and the emotional roller coaster surrounding adoption.

 There are times when I am fine when going to a baby shower or to see a new baby. But there are other times when I have to make an excuse not to go. There are times when I feel fine to go, but then as I leave, my heart breaks a little and my body betrays me and I have to drive for an hour before I can get control of myself. When there is a group of women together, lots of times the topic turns to pregnancy and childbirth. Once again there are times when I am okay with this. I have heard it all, I have 6 sisters! But then there are times when I need to step away from the conversation because I don't always trust my heart to take it in.

 My sister-in-law just had her 5th child. I babysat her kids while she was in the hospital. I took her 4 children to the hospital to see their new baby brother. I was so happy and excited for their family. Their faces lit up like it was Christmas when they saw their baby brother. As I drove them home in their minivan, my throat seemed to close up and the tears started to come. This was a slap in the face. I really was so happy for them, but then the thoughts of infertility came into my mind. I will never have the "hospital" experience when people can come see my new baby. I may never be able to fill a minivan with kids. Yes, I have my little boy, and I am so so so happy about that! I know he is such a miracle and I am so grateful everyday for him.

 Another sister-in-law recently told us, after a very emotional week following the funerals of 2 family members, that they were expecting baby #5. Cue the tears and ugly sob. I am so happy for them, but the thoughts of when it will happen for me can't be stopped.  It is so hard not knowing if and when another child will come to us. Both of these sisters-in-law were pregnant and had babies in the time that we were approved and looking for Lucas. Their children are 1.5 and 1 year older than Lucas. When they told us that time, we were so happy for them and happy that maybe we would adopt a baby in that time frame and they would all be really close in age. As they grew older and older, I got more depressed that our child would not be the same age. This time around, maybe I am more jaded, but I feel like there goes our chance again to get a baby close in age to their children.

 Sometimes men don't understand. I love my husband so much and could not have made it through all this and continue to make it through this without his help. He is so wonderful. He understands the deep yearning feeling that I have to be a mom, but doesn't always know what to say or do when I vent about these feelings. These are natural feelings for a woman and they aren't just going to go away. I think that men and women deal with infertility in a totally different way. I am not sure if the infertility slap happens for men, but I know how real it is for me.

 I see women all around me with new babies or pregnant bellies. Some of them on the second, third, fourth, even fifth babies. I am ready for another baby. I want Lucas to be a big brother. I want my children to be close in age, like I am with my sisters.

 This is hard. It is so hard. But I am grateful for it. I wouldn't have Lucas without all of this. He brings me so much joy.

 

  Adoption is a hard thing too. The waiting and wondering and waiting. Last year we were contacted by someone and got our hopes up that we would be able to adopt again. We found out that she was lying to us about being pregnant and just wanted attention. That made us feel embarrassed and sad and angry and very skeptical. We worry that we are not cool enough, or cute enough, or make enough money. Sometimes it feels like we are getting rejected over and over. On our profile we can see how many views each section gets. Before Lucas I would look almost daily, but this time around I know better. I only look every few weeks. This time it is a lot easier on our patience. We have Lucas and we are parents. Waiting so long before to be parents was so hard. This time around we are more patient and don't think about it every second of every day. We are trying to be hopeful. We know that things will work out, maybe not the way that we planned, but they will work out how they are supposed to.

 I have been listening to this song by Hilary Weeks. These lyrics really touch some of the feelings that I have.

 

I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.

I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

 

 

All of this is worth it. It is our beautiful heartbreak.

Bust a Myth

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. RESOLVE has encouraged people to bust some myths surrounding infertility and I decided to weigh in.

Myth #1: "So and so had cancer and they were able to have 3 children after."

I know that you are well meaning, but this is not our case. It kind of hurts when people say this. It is almost like saying to a cancer patient, "My aunt had cancer and died last year." You don't want to hear that. Ryan's cancer was probably very different than so and so and because of that we are never going to be able to have biological children.

Myth #2 "Just adopt and then you will get pregnant."

First off, don't ever say JUST adopt. Deciding to adopt should be proceeded by many serious discussions. It is not easy. There are mounds of paperwork that need to be filled out and it took us months and months to finally get approved. After we were approved there was a lot of time that went by that nothing happened and we were on an emotional roller coaster. We have been blessed with a miracle named Lucas and his amazing birth family, but it didn't come until after a lot of time and trial.
Secondly, not everyone that adopt gets pregnant. I know that there are couples that do and that is amazing, but we hear about those stories because they are amazing. There are plenty more couples that adopt and never get pregnant.


Infertility is something that I will always deal with. Yes, I know that we have been so blessed and that we have a perfect little baby now, but infertility creeps up on me every so often and I have to find ways to deal with it. Adoption is not a cure for infertility, it is a cure for childlessness. There is a quote by Barbara Eck Manning that says:

My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug-maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, "There's my old friend." It will always be part of me...

We have been "lucky" in a sense that we know the cause of our infertility and that we haven't had the month to month disappointment. We still deal with it sometimes and it still hurts, not as much, but it is still there at times.

After I told someone last week that Lucas was adopted she asked if I had children of my own too. I took a deep breath in and said that he is ours and that he is our miracle. Look at that face, he is a miracle and we are so grateful for his wonderful birth family.

Timeline

May 6, 2006: Our first date

August 7, 2006: Ryan proposed

October 20, 2006: We got MARRIED!

April and May 2007: We decide to pursue in-vitro fertilization

May 25, 2007: First appointment with the doctor

June 2007: Start giving myself injections

July 3, 2007: Extraction of 11 eggs. We know there is a very small chance that the sperm will be able to fertilize any eggs.

July 5, 2007: The worst day ever. The IVF didn't work.

August 2007: We buy our first house

October 2007: I get a new job, phew-I didn't like my other job.

December 2007: We want to pursue adoption. LDS Family Services tell us that we have to wait until we have been married for two years.

Summer 2008: We look into the state's foster-adopt program, take some classes, and decide that this is not what we want to do.

November and December 2008: We turn in our adoption paperwork and our reference letters.

January 2009: First appointment with our caseworker.

January and February 2009: Fill out all the rest of the paperwork, put our profile together, make decisions about what preferences we have.

March 2009: Sell our house and move into our new house! Finish financial statement, background checks, fingerprints.

April 24, 2009: Home Study

May 2009: Utah background check (since I lived there in the last five years)

June 15, 2009: Finally we are approved! Our profile goes online. We get a new caseworker.

August 2009: We send out hundreds of pass along cards to family and friends.

October 20, 2009: Celebrate our 3rd anniversary by going on a cruise with my sister and her husband.

November 6-7, 2009: Adoption conference in Portland

January-February, 2010: Emotional roller coaster not ending the way we were hoping for.

March 2010: Slowly getting back to normal life. Hoping, praying, fasting that something will happen soon.


It has been almost 3 years since the IVF, and infertility still kicks my butt even when I don't expect it. I hate it. I am so happy that I have Ryan right by my side during all of this. He is such a great support. Ryan has been amazing and I don't think that I could have gotten through the last year without him. We are so happy together, even through the struggles. We are best friends. I don't know when things will happen, but I do know that if I have Ryan walking with me, we will be happy and strong to endure anything that comes our way.

Roller coaster

Infertility and adoption have been an extreme roller coaster to say the least. We have been on this ride for almost 3 years.

Excuse me while I go throw up now.

The most recent roller coaster ride just ended.

Without going into details we are facing a loss right now from what looked like a very promising situation. We were planning and looking forward to it. We were hoping and praying.

But it fell through.

And the nursery that we thought was going to be occupied is now closed indefinitely.

We are now struggling to make sense of everything. It has been a very emotional few days. And I am sure that it will continue to be emotional as we grieve.

As we spoke with our caseworker, he emphasized that we will need to grieve and he likened it to a miscarriage or death. We attended the temple yesterday and felt peace and comfort with the decision that we made. And although we know that it is the right decision for our family there is still a lot of pain. We need to adjust the visions that we had for our family in the next few weeks, months, and years.

Ryan and I have cried together. But then we have looked at each other and said that we were going to be okay. We have been promised that we would be parents and we will be. We just don't know when that will happen. We need to trust Heavenly Father and that he has a plan for us. We have a great relationship. We have only grown closer through our infertility and adoption struggles. As I sobbed the other day I told Ryan that I didn't know why Heavenly Father thought I was strong enough for all of this. But now I know that I am. We will make it through okay. We may still be hurt and sad, but there is a baby and babies that are meant to come to our family and it will happen.

We will do everything, we will go through anything, and we will endure everything that we need to so that our children will come to our family.

Two tickets for the next ride please.

Empty cribs and hearts

Something devastating happened this week and it has been weighing on my mind all week. My cousin passed away. He was younger than I am. I haven't seen him since Thanksgiving at Grandma's three years ago. Through this tragedy, I have realized just how much I love my family, my entire family. My mother has 10 brothers and sisters, and so I have many, many cousins. I want to be with them and tell them how much I love them. And just cry with them. I tried to figure out a way to make it down there and support them, but it didn't work out. I love my family and am so happy to have the family I have. Tell those around you that you love them often. And find joy in the journey as President Monson says.

If there are people reading this, you may have noticed that I am supporting National Adoption Month by posting things about adoption. Today I am going to post something a little bit more personal; some of my feelings.

We put up the crib and did a few things to the baby's room recently. I don't know if this was a good idea or a bad idea. It is nice to have things in there to remind us that this is our goal. And maybe to exercise our faith that we will be parents. It is a reminder that there is an end in sight and that this is what we are hoping and praying for everyday. Some days I just have to shut the door and not look in there, because it stings that we have not been blessed with children, yet.

My heart yearns to be a mother. And although that is my #1 goal right now, our infertility and adoption status do not define me. These things weigh on my mind very frequently, but I am able to enjoy other things. I definitely cry more than I want to, but I am so happy. I feel so blessed and know that the blessings keep coming. The Lord has a plan for us and our little family. My family will be created by divine design. We plead with Heavenly Father daily that the birth mother of our child we be courageous and that she will be supported in her decision to place. We plead that she will be able to recognize us and know that we are the right family and we will know that that baby is the right baby. I know it will happen, and it will happen in the Lord's time. Our baby will come to us and fill that crib and our hearts.

Why LDS Family Services?

As we were deciding to adopt, we automatically thought of LDS Family Services. We knew some about their services, but as we have gone through the approval process, we have understood more and more about what they do. We are grateful for LDS Family Services and the workers. After expensive fertility treatments, we knew that LDSFS adoptions were subsidized by tithing and are so grateful for that or else I think we would have to waited a lot longer to save enough money.

LDSFS has a new, revamped website called Its About Love

Here are some excerpts from a great article on the new website:

Not just an adoption-only resource, ItsAboutLove.org includes content on single parenting, marriage, abortion and adoption. It includes information about pregnancy trimesters, answers frequently asked questions about pregnancy and adoption, and dispels many myths. While the LDS Church opposes abortion -- with possible exception to extreme circumstances -- and strongly supports two-parent families, alternatives like abortion and single parenting are discussed because "making a good decision means honestly considering all possible options," the Web site states. "The greatest peace of mind comes from the certainty that you have been thorough and honest in considering every possibility."

While the changes are clearly attracting new individuals to the site, the agency is far from abandoning its roots. ItsAboutLove.org also includes updated resources for expectant mothers and fathers who plan to place their child with an adoptive family. Videos from birth mothers offer real-life stories and experiences. Couples looking to adopt a child also benefit from the new site and its increased capabilities.
Unlike the old Web site, ItsAboutLove.org includes information for everyone impacted by an unexpected pregnancy.

"My Pregnancy," "What Are My Options?" and "Real-Life Stories" are geared mainly toward expectant mothers. "Our Daughter is Pregnant" reaches out to parents. "My Girlfriend is Pregnant" supplies information and lends support to birth fathers.

November is National Adoption Month

National Adoption Month

Read this positive adoption article. Lindsey is amazing! Her blog is so great. It has really helped me as we have gone through our infertility and adoption journey.


We are going to the Families Supporting Adoption Conference this weekend in Portland. We are so excited to meet so many people that have gone through or are going through what we are going through right now.

Happy 5 years!

Sight of original tumor

Day of his autologous stem cell transplant

As of August 25, Ryan is officially a "cancer survivor!" Prior to this his cancer was in remission, but now he is as his oncologist said "cured!" To celebrate we went to dinner last week with his parents to the same restaurant that we went on our first date.


Ryan is a miracle and I am so happy that he made it through all his treatments so we could meet and get married! We feel so blessed.

2 Years

Two years ago we went in for our first fertility doctor's appointment. We have been "trying" for two years to have kids. Two years ago we knew that we wanted to have a baby. We saw the doctor and knew that in-vitro fertilization was the only way that we would be able to have a baby on our own. We wanted to proceed as quickly as possible. I had an ultrasound to make sure that I was okay and then a Hysterosalpingogram--dye was injected into my uterus and fallopian tubes while under x-ray. Not the most comfortable thing, but I was willing to do anything I needed. We were scheduled on the next series of IVF. I started giving myself shots every night in the end of June. I went into the office every other morning and with ultrasounds they measured the follicles. When things looked good I was ready for them to extract my eggs. I arrived July 5th early, got an IV put in and they knocked me out, when I woke up they were done. I made Ryan buy me a milkshake on the way home. Yum. I slept the rest of the day and Ryan took care of me and even went and bought me another milkshake. When we woke up the next morning we had missed a call from the nurse. They were going to try to inject the sperm into the eggs, there was a small chance that it would work. I called her back and she got on the phone and told me it didn't work. Heartbreaking. I cried all day. And many days after that.


That was two years ago.


Where am I now? I am stronger. I am closer to the Lord. I have learned things that I wouldn't have known. I have been stretched and pushed in ways that I didn't know I could endure. I have. And I am. I know that I needed that in order to get where I am now. We needed to know that our children would be coming to us through another avenue.

I was recently talking to my mom (she's the best!) about some frustrations that I am having with the "waiting." She reminded me of when Jesus walked on the water. He came to the disciples in the 4th watch, between the hours of 3am and 6am. They had been rowing all night and it was dark and they were tired and had not gotten very far. They had been pushed and didn't think they could do it much longer, and that is when the Savior came.

She also reminded me of the story of Lazarus. Jesus came to Mary and Martha. They were so sad because their brother had died and if Jesus had been there he would not have died. Jesus wept with them. He knew that he was going to raise Lazarus and they would be happy, but for a time he wept with them. He knows that all of this is going to work out for us. We are going to have a happy family, but he weeps with us now as we do.

I have faith that our children will come to us and we have no need to worry. Choice spirits will join our family. Heavenly Father's plan is wonderful. Ryan and I went to the temple the other night and did sealings. We thought about our own sealing and then how in the future what a blessing it will be to have our children sealed to us. That gives us a much better eternal perspective than just this short time that we are waiting. The Lord has blessed us and is continually blessing us.

Come what may and love it

Ryan and I were set up on a blind date by my sister and his sister-in-law. I was living in Utah at the time and he was in Washington. I was going to go up there for my nephew's baptism and it would be great timing to go on a date with Ryan. We went on a fabulous date to an Arena football game. It was great and Ryan loved that I knew what was going on and loved sports. At the end of the date he asked if he could see me the next day before I left to go back to Utah. We played games with his family the next night and had a great time. We talked for a long time that night and wondered when we could see each other again. Ryan called me every day that week and one day he asked if I would go to a concert with him on a Tuesday night. I didn't think there was anyway that I could fly up and go, but I worked it out that I would fly there on Tuesday and fly back to Utah on Wednesday. It was great to see him again. He flew to Utah a couple weeks after that. We were just hitting it off so well. One night as we were talking he opened up. I knew that he had had cancer and had been through so much a few years earlier. We had talked about that, but this night he went into much more depth--especially the side effects of all the treatments that he had undergone. He told me how he would probably never be able to have children; he had saved some sperm, but it had been after a full round of chemo and was not very healthy sperm. This kind of shocked me, but I cared about Ryan and wanted to pursue this relationship. I wasn't going to end things because of this news.


We continued our long distance relationship. In June, after about 6 weeks of going back and forth, I made the decision to move to Washington to be closer to him. Timing of the blind date was perfect so that I could make this decision. I had recently graduated from BYU and was working at two part time jobs that I could easily leave. In July I moved to Washington. I found a job and in August Ryan proposed.


We were married in October. From the first date to our wedding was not quite 6 months. I swore I would never do that, oh well, he was the right one, at the right time, in the right place.



We went on a cruise for our honeymoon. It was awesome!
After being married for about 6 months, we both individually decided that it was time to add to our family of two. We knew that we would need to see the fertility specialist and do IVF in order to have a baby. As we went through the IVF treatments, we had all the faith in the world that it was going to happen. The doctor told us that there was not a very good chance that Ryan's cryoperserved sperm would work, but we had faith. I went to the doctor every other day for ultrasounds, gave myself shots, and prayed that this would work. We went and visited my parents and family. One of my sisters told me that she had just found out that she was pregnant. She wanted to let me know before anyone else. I was excited to think that we would be pregnant at the same time. The next week I went in for the extraction of my eggs. They were going to inject the sperm and let us know if any of the eggs were fertilized. On Friday morning we got a call from the nurse, "I am so sorry, none of the eggs were fertilized." I couldn't believe it. I hung up the phone in sobs. We had faith, why didn't it work? Why did we get the impression that we were supposed to start our family? My mom called shortly after that and I just cried, "It didn't work, it didn't work." Everyone's hearts were breaking with ours. We went to Ryan's parent's house. His dad gave us both blessings and gave us some good advice. I don't think I stopped crying all day. Every time one of my sisters would call I had to relive that pain and heartache.
Over the next few months we had to grieve with the loss of the child we never had.
We eventually felt blessed that without being married a year, we knew that we were infertile and didn't have to deal with the month to month pain of not being pregnant. By the end of the year we were ready to start the adoption process. When we called LDS Family Services, they told us that we would have to wait until we had been married for two years before we could proceed. We asked for them to make a special exception, but they couldn't. So we waited. We toyed with the idea of the foster-adopt program, but after attending classes and filling out paperwork knew that it was not the right decision for us.

We have now been married over two years. Paperwork has been filled out, reference letters have been written, and we have met with our caseworker. We recently moved into our new house and have completed our home study. There is a room that has no other purpose than the future baby room. Now that we are in our house, things are feeling like they are moving along and things will happen sooner than later. It is starting to feel more real.
I have learned that adoption is not going to cure our infertility. I may still yearn for the desire to be pregnant and have a child that looks like me, but I can find joy in adoption, and more importantly motherhood. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and our little family. He loves us and cares about us. I don't know what to expect in the next few months as we are approved for adoption, but we will take it step by step. We know it may be an emotional rollercoaster, but in the end we hope to have the chance to bring a child into our home and someday take him or her to the temple and be sealed together as a family.


"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin "Come What May, and Love It"