Our family is growing!

I am updating this blog in a month since my last post instead of six months since my last post. That must mean that there is some kind of news, right?! Right!

We received word that we were licensed for foster care on June 20. Home finders (the group that finds homes for foster children) called us and said that he saw that we had been licensed and that he was looking for respite care for 18 month old twins for a week while their foster parents went on vacation. I told him that we would do it if he couldn't find anyone else. He ended up calling back and so we took in the twins for the week. On Tuesday, June 24, we started getting more phone calls. The first phone call we got was about a little boy about to turn one. We got a phone call about triplets just born in May and the first one was being released from the hospital. We got a few other phone calls about other children that needed a home. 

Since we started getting licensed we started praying that we would be able to discern what situation was right for our family and be able to discern quickly since they would need an answer quickly. We knew immediately that the triplets weren't right and that the other children weren't right. We felt good about the little boy that was about to turn one and we got more information about him. He was in a foster home and they were needing to transfer him to a permanent foster home that would also be able to adopt him. With the state they always have 2 concurrent plans: reunification with the biological family and a permanent plan usually involving adoption. The other thing about this little boy is that they needed a home that would be able to take in his baby brother that is going to be born within the next couple of weeks.

By the end of the week (we still had the twins in our home) we were in contact with the current foster family. We set up a time to come meet him and start the transition for him into our home. We met Isaac (that is what we are calling him) and he is a sweet, smiley, happy little guy. Lucas was pretty excited to see him and meet him. He came over to our house for a few hours on Tuesday of that week and then he went on a trip with the foster family. Julie was able to come over the weekend (another post for that visit!) and so we got to spend the weekend with her. After she left we got to work to putting our house in order to accommodate a year old and eventually a newborn as well. We turned Lucas' bed back into a crib and moved Lucas' big boy bed upstairs. Lucas and Isaac are going to be sharing a room. I bought a dresser and refinished it. I sorted through all of Lucas' old clothes to find things that would fit. He didn't come with anything except for what he was wearing. He came to our home permanently on Thursday, July 10. Ryan had work off on Friday and we were all able to start adjusting to our new normal. Isaac is a happy little boy and we are so happy to have him in our home. We celebrated his birthday on Sunday, July 13, with his previous foster family. We will have a party for him next week with family. We are now waiting for the baby to be born. His due date is July 28, but she has always gone early with her babies.  

We aren't going to give specific details to Isaac's situation and his biological parents. It is a sensitive issue and confidential. We will probably not post pictures of him facing the camera. After talking with the caseworker, we are hopeful and  confident that this will lead to adoption of both boys. We do not think it will be an easy journey and it will probably be a long road ahead, but we feel like we can enjoy this and love and welcome these children into our home and into our family.

Meeting cousins for the first time

Brothers at the park

This journey of adopting for a second time has been a long road (and it is not over and might be more than a year longer!). We felt like we should open doors by getting licensed through the state. In all honesty, I hoped that while we were doing this we would be contacted by a potential birth mother and we wouldn't have to go through the state and foster care. It scared me and still does a little bit! It is different. I have had to change my dream of having a perfect open adoption like with Lucas. I had to change my dream that we would get a newborn. We have had to open our hearts to a new dream. We think that this situation is perfect for us: Isaac just turned one and a newborn that we will be able to take from the hospital. It is not going to be easy and I am sure that there will be bumps in the road, but we are ready for this and ready to jump all in. I have heard that some people get wrapped up with the courts and the process and forget to see the joy that comes with the children. We are already in love with Isaac and we want him to feel wanted and loved and protected. He needs that and he deserves that. We are putting our whole hearts into it and if the worst case scenario happens and for some reason the courts allow him to return to his biological family, we will be heartbroken, but hope that he will have felt loved and safe in our home and family.

"If you came to me and said 'there are two people in the world who want you more than anything; they'll do their best, they'll make some mistakes, and you'll only get them for a short time, but they will love you more than you can ever imagine.' Well, when that's true, I'd say 'so much is possible.'" ~The Odd Life of Timothy Green

Why my fingers are still crossed

Our family triangle: Ryan cuddling on me and Lucas cuddling on daddy with his feet on me.
We want to be a family square soon!

We have now been approved to adopt a second child for one whole year. We recently filled out more paperwork and had our fingerprints taken to keep our profile active. This last year was a little easier (for the most part) than the first time that we were trying to adopt. We have been parents for 2 1/2 years and love being Lucas' parents. We love seeing him learn and grow each day. We have that blessing of being parents already and so that has been one thing that made this last year a little easier. A little over a year of being approved last time I wrote this post about God remembering Rachel and how He would remember me. At the end of that post I wrote, "Every night as I fall asleep, I cross my fingers. I am always hoping that the next day will bring good news. Someday soon that good news will come." Two days after that post we received the email from Julie asking if we would consider adopting her son!
I find myself crossing my fingers more and more lately and hoping that the good news will come soon.Very recently we had an experience that gave us so much hope that we would be able to adopt a second child very soon. We started thinking that this was going to happen and although we didn't want to get too excited, we started thinking about and planning our future with this child. We felt rejection, sadness, and loneliness when the couple chose another family to adopt that child. We hope that things work out for them and their little girl. This is the way that adoption goes. I have been reading other couple's adoption stories. I don't know why some adoptions happen so quickly and some take years. It is a process and it is hard to compare one adoption experience to another. But I know that the child that is meant to be in our family will be. God has a plan for our family. We are very hopeful that we will be able to adopt again soon. We hope that Lucas will be a big brother soon. We don't know when that will happen, but we will continue to be hopeful and cross our fingers that the day will be soon.
It seems as though Lucas has picked up on crossing his fingers. We find him crossing his fingers sometimes too. The other day he announced to us that he wants a baby sister. Maybe he knows something we don't know. We aren't picky though, it doesn't have to be a girl, we would welcome a boy or a girl with open arms and grateful hearts.
My fingers are crossed.

Reflections: Surviving Infertility and as an Adoptive Mother

We have been approved to adopt a second child for 9 months now. It took us 4 months to get approved. If we had been pregnant, we would be snuggling a little baby now. I wrote the following a couple of months ago. It was therapeutic writing down some of the feelings I was having and have. I debated about whether or not share this, but I decided to let others glimpse into what it is like to deal with infertility and the adoption process.

 

 Sometimes infertility slaps me in the face. I am not expecting it and boom, there it is. It is unbearable. I seem to suck in oxygen, but stop breathing all at the same time. The uncontrollable sobs don't stop for a long time. There is a lot of ugly crying when dealing with infertility and the emotional roller coaster surrounding adoption.

 There are times when I am fine when going to a baby shower or to see a new baby. But there are other times when I have to make an excuse not to go. There are times when I feel fine to go, but then as I leave, my heart breaks a little and my body betrays me and I have to drive for an hour before I can get control of myself. When there is a group of women together, lots of times the topic turns to pregnancy and childbirth. Once again there are times when I am okay with this. I have heard it all, I have 6 sisters! But then there are times when I need to step away from the conversation because I don't always trust my heart to take it in.

 My sister-in-law just had her 5th child. I babysat her kids while she was in the hospital. I took her 4 children to the hospital to see their new baby brother. I was so happy and excited for their family. Their faces lit up like it was Christmas when they saw their baby brother. As I drove them home in their minivan, my throat seemed to close up and the tears started to come. This was a slap in the face. I really was so happy for them, but then the thoughts of infertility came into my mind. I will never have the "hospital" experience when people can come see my new baby. I may never be able to fill a minivan with kids. Yes, I have my little boy, and I am so so so happy about that! I know he is such a miracle and I am so grateful everyday for him.

 Another sister-in-law recently told us, after a very emotional week following the funerals of 2 family members, that they were expecting baby #5. Cue the tears and ugly sob. I am so happy for them, but the thoughts of when it will happen for me can't be stopped.  It is so hard not knowing if and when another child will come to us. Both of these sisters-in-law were pregnant and had babies in the time that we were approved and looking for Lucas. Their children are 1.5 and 1 year older than Lucas. When they told us that time, we were so happy for them and happy that maybe we would adopt a baby in that time frame and they would all be really close in age. As they grew older and older, I got more depressed that our child would not be the same age. This time around, maybe I am more jaded, but I feel like there goes our chance again to get a baby close in age to their children.

 Sometimes men don't understand. I love my husband so much and could not have made it through all this and continue to make it through this without his help. He is so wonderful. He understands the deep yearning feeling that I have to be a mom, but doesn't always know what to say or do when I vent about these feelings. These are natural feelings for a woman and they aren't just going to go away. I think that men and women deal with infertility in a totally different way. I am not sure if the infertility slap happens for men, but I know how real it is for me.

 I see women all around me with new babies or pregnant bellies. Some of them on the second, third, fourth, even fifth babies. I am ready for another baby. I want Lucas to be a big brother. I want my children to be close in age, like I am with my sisters.

 This is hard. It is so hard. But I am grateful for it. I wouldn't have Lucas without all of this. He brings me so much joy.

 

  Adoption is a hard thing too. The waiting and wondering and waiting. Last year we were contacted by someone and got our hopes up that we would be able to adopt again. We found out that she was lying to us about being pregnant and just wanted attention. That made us feel embarrassed and sad and angry and very skeptical. We worry that we are not cool enough, or cute enough, or make enough money. Sometimes it feels like we are getting rejected over and over. On our profile we can see how many views each section gets. Before Lucas I would look almost daily, but this time around I know better. I only look every few weeks. This time it is a lot easier on our patience. We have Lucas and we are parents. Waiting so long before to be parents was so hard. This time around we are more patient and don't think about it every second of every day. We are trying to be hopeful. We know that things will work out, maybe not the way that we planned, but they will work out how they are supposed to.

 I have been listening to this song by Hilary Weeks. These lyrics really touch some of the feelings that I have.

 

I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.

I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

 

 

All of this is worth it. It is our beautiful heartbreak.

Babble

My younger sister Melanie writes for Babble at Being Pregnant. She and her husband have infertility struggles of their own as well and she writes about that. She is currently doing a series called Real Women's Stories. It features different women and their infertility journey and hope. My story was featured recently of a success of adoption.
You can read it here

Here is another great story about Sarah and Chance's adoption: "I know people say that, ‘Well it’s different when they’re your own.’ It doesn’t matter. They don’t have to be blood. She was mine.”

Also have you ever wondered about adoptive breastfeeding? My story of this was also featured. You can read it here.

The Lucas Alexander story

Tuesday was my last day of work. I was so happy to be done and have a few days to get ready before I left for the baby. I slept in a little, exercised, and after I showered, Julie called. She told us that she would text us after her appointment. She was crying and scared because the doctor was nervous that the baby wasn't growing. They did a ultrasound and decided that she needed to go to the hospital and be induced. I asked her what she wanted me to do, and I said that we would get on the next plane. I called Ryan and he was just about to go into a test. He said that he would take his test and then immediately come home. I don't think he remembers anything on his test. I called my sister Nicole, she didn't answer, I texted her, she didn't answer. I needed someone, I was so stressed and trying to figure out what to do. I was so excited, but I was having a breakdown. I called Nicole again and she answered and said she would be over to help pack. Ryan's mom headed over as well. We got things packed and figured out a flight that worked well and didn't cost as much as we would have thought for being the same day. Ryan got home and we got everything ready. We got a call from the airline, the plane was delayed which meant we would miss our connecting flight. She said that we could stay overnight in Phoneix or leave the next day. I told her that the baby we were adopting was coming today and I needed to get there asap. She worked on getting me a ticket on another airline, it left an hour later, and got us there earlier, and it didn't cost the $1300 that it was online. We flew and surprisingly enough, I slept on the plane (I can sleep anywhere, anytime). When we landed in Salt Lake for our 45 minute layover, I got a text...Julie was at a 7. We had the next flight and got on thinking that by the time we landed the baby could have been born. We landed at 11:26 and I got a text saying the baby had been born. I called immediately. He had been born at 10:06 and was 5 lbs 13 oz. We got some pictures texted to us. He was so precious We were so excited. And so happy that baby and Julie were healthy.


We ran to the rental car place. We had made a reservation for a rental and we told them our situation and they upgraded us to a bigger car. (We saw the same girl that upgraded us today when we dropped off the car and showed her Lucas, she was very excited). We punched the hospital address into the GPS and headed over to the hospital. We met up with Julie's mom and she brought us into see Julie and the baby. It was such a beautiful sight. We couldn't stop smiling. It was amazing! We stayed for an hour or so. We talked about names and Julie mentioned that she really liked Lucas. One of our top names was Luke. We headed to my aunt and uncle's house around 2:30. We were in bed, but neither of us were asleep. Julie texted us at 3:30 saying that she had a long conversation with the baby and he liked the name Luke or Lucas. Ryan had just been thinking about Lucas and that is when we decided that was to be his name.


The next day was a very long day. We got to the hospital and there were a string of many visitors all day long. Scottie, the birth father, was there and we got to meet him and spend the whole day with him. We met so much of Julie's family as well as Scottie's. It was amazing. We talked about open adoption and how Lucas has so many people that love him so much. Scottie's mom and sister were just crying so much. They didn't think that they would ever see this little guy again. It was very emotional intense, but they really like us and believe that we will be great parents to Lucas. We had some alone time with Scottie and he told us that he had made the decision to place and was happy with his decision. He really liked us and said that it couldn't have been anyone else. It was a long and wonderful day. We were emotionally drained.


The nursing staff was so great. They all were aware of the adoption plan and accomodated us and made Julie so comfortable. We were so impressed. We spent the next several hours with Julie and no one else came. Lucas had his circumsion, so it was just Julie and Ryan and I. We had a great talk. She is amazing. We love her so much. Her caseworker came and she had to sign some papers saying that she was releasing custody to the agency since the placement paperwork couldn't be signed until 72 hours after the birth. It was a very emotional time and started feeling very real as Julie and I got him dressed and in his car seat.


We went out to eat with Julie and her boyfriend to Dairy Queen so she could show Lucas off to her coworkers. As we said goodbye to her and left in the car, Ryan and I were both so emotional. There we were with this little tiny baby, that such a wonderful young woman had trusted in our care. Wow. We got to my aunt and uncle's and had some alone time, just the three of us. It was amazing. We love this little boy so much. We were able to calm down enough to have dinner and sing happy birthday to Lucas with my extended family. We packed up our stuff and headed to my sister Michelle's for the night. Lucas was so sleepy. I had to set my alarm to wake up to feed him. He is doing so great. We had a busy day today.



We had to find some premie clothes, go to target, take the car back to the rental place (we are borrowing a car from my aunt and uncle), and then Julie and her boyfriend came over to spend some time with Lucas and us. She is doing great. She looks so good for just having a baby, and she says that she is feeling good.

We went to breakfast with Scottie and his family. His mom, who prior to this was against the adoption, was so welcoming and was so happy that we were to be Lucas' parents. She wrote us a long letter expressing that she was happy it was us and that Scottie was making the right choice. It was so great.


We went to a church and did all the paperwork. On the way there, Julie texted us and said "I can't wait to see you all in a little bit! I'm so happy this day is finally here!! The day your family gets a baby. He was totally worth the wait I think!" Wow. We both just started bawling. We have been crying a lot the last few days.

Scottie came in first and we were the witnesses when he signed. Before he signed we gave him a plaster of Lucas' hand that is a Christmas ornament and a frame of a couple pictures of him and Lucas and Lucas' hand and foot print. He was so happy with it. He could barely open them, he was shaking so much. He signed and then left and he got to feed Lucas with Ryan as Julie signed.

Julie came in and had to sign a lot of papers. I was one of the witnesses and her boyfriend Ben. It was a very tender experience watching both Julie and Scottie sign because of their love for Lucas. I was so happy, but my heart was breaking for them. They are amazing. We love them so much. We gave Julie a similar gift and took some pictures and said goodbye.

Words cannot express what joy we are feeling right now as well as how our hearts are so sad for Julie and Scottie. This little boy is so lucky to have so many people who love him.

He is ours! We have been waiting for this miracle for so long and he is finally here. He was worth the wait! We couldn't have asked for a better adoption experience. This was amazing!

A Blind Date started it all...

Four years ago, Ryan and I went on our blind date. It soon turned into so much more. He is so wonderful and I am so grateful to have such an amazing husband.

He is such a great uncle, too. At Max and Henry's robot birthday party this is Ryan:

We have now had over 3,000 views on our profile (only about half are me, just kidding). And although we don't know when we will be parents, we are very excited for the future. I have a feeling that it will be someday soon.

We are going on a little trip this weekend. We are staying in a little cottage on an island in the Puget Sound. Of course we will be going to a Mariner game and do a lot of relaxing. It should be a great trip.

Happy 5 years!

Sight of original tumor

Day of his autologous stem cell transplant

As of August 25, Ryan is officially a "cancer survivor!" Prior to this his cancer was in remission, but now he is as his oncologist said "cured!" To celebrate we went to dinner last week with his parents to the same restaurant that we went on our first date.


Ryan is a miracle and I am so happy that he made it through all his treatments so we could meet and get married! We feel so blessed.

2 Years

Two years ago we went in for our first fertility doctor's appointment. We have been "trying" for two years to have kids. Two years ago we knew that we wanted to have a baby. We saw the doctor and knew that in-vitro fertilization was the only way that we would be able to have a baby on our own. We wanted to proceed as quickly as possible. I had an ultrasound to make sure that I was okay and then a Hysterosalpingogram--dye was injected into my uterus and fallopian tubes while under x-ray. Not the most comfortable thing, but I was willing to do anything I needed. We were scheduled on the next series of IVF. I started giving myself shots every night in the end of June. I went into the office every other morning and with ultrasounds they measured the follicles. When things looked good I was ready for them to extract my eggs. I arrived July 5th early, got an IV put in and they knocked me out, when I woke up they were done. I made Ryan buy me a milkshake on the way home. Yum. I slept the rest of the day and Ryan took care of me and even went and bought me another milkshake. When we woke up the next morning we had missed a call from the nurse. They were going to try to inject the sperm into the eggs, there was a small chance that it would work. I called her back and she got on the phone and told me it didn't work. Heartbreaking. I cried all day. And many days after that.


That was two years ago.


Where am I now? I am stronger. I am closer to the Lord. I have learned things that I wouldn't have known. I have been stretched and pushed in ways that I didn't know I could endure. I have. And I am. I know that I needed that in order to get where I am now. We needed to know that our children would be coming to us through another avenue.

I was recently talking to my mom (she's the best!) about some frustrations that I am having with the "waiting." She reminded me of when Jesus walked on the water. He came to the disciples in the 4th watch, between the hours of 3am and 6am. They had been rowing all night and it was dark and they were tired and had not gotten very far. They had been pushed and didn't think they could do it much longer, and that is when the Savior came.

She also reminded me of the story of Lazarus. Jesus came to Mary and Martha. They were so sad because their brother had died and if Jesus had been there he would not have died. Jesus wept with them. He knew that he was going to raise Lazarus and they would be happy, but for a time he wept with them. He knows that all of this is going to work out for us. We are going to have a happy family, but he weeps with us now as we do.

I have faith that our children will come to us and we have no need to worry. Choice spirits will join our family. Heavenly Father's plan is wonderful. Ryan and I went to the temple the other night and did sealings. We thought about our own sealing and then how in the future what a blessing it will be to have our children sealed to us. That gives us a much better eternal perspective than just this short time that we are waiting. The Lord has blessed us and is continually blessing us.

Come what may and love it

Ryan and I were set up on a blind date by my sister and his sister-in-law. I was living in Utah at the time and he was in Washington. I was going to go up there for my nephew's baptism and it would be great timing to go on a date with Ryan. We went on a fabulous date to an Arena football game. It was great and Ryan loved that I knew what was going on and loved sports. At the end of the date he asked if he could see me the next day before I left to go back to Utah. We played games with his family the next night and had a great time. We talked for a long time that night and wondered when we could see each other again. Ryan called me every day that week and one day he asked if I would go to a concert with him on a Tuesday night. I didn't think there was anyway that I could fly up and go, but I worked it out that I would fly there on Tuesday and fly back to Utah on Wednesday. It was great to see him again. He flew to Utah a couple weeks after that. We were just hitting it off so well. One night as we were talking he opened up. I knew that he had had cancer and had been through so much a few years earlier. We had talked about that, but this night he went into much more depth--especially the side effects of all the treatments that he had undergone. He told me how he would probably never be able to have children; he had saved some sperm, but it had been after a full round of chemo and was not very healthy sperm. This kind of shocked me, but I cared about Ryan and wanted to pursue this relationship. I wasn't going to end things because of this news.


We continued our long distance relationship. In June, after about 6 weeks of going back and forth, I made the decision to move to Washington to be closer to him. Timing of the blind date was perfect so that I could make this decision. I had recently graduated from BYU and was working at two part time jobs that I could easily leave. In July I moved to Washington. I found a job and in August Ryan proposed.


We were married in October. From the first date to our wedding was not quite 6 months. I swore I would never do that, oh well, he was the right one, at the right time, in the right place.



We went on a cruise for our honeymoon. It was awesome!
After being married for about 6 months, we both individually decided that it was time to add to our family of two. We knew that we would need to see the fertility specialist and do IVF in order to have a baby. As we went through the IVF treatments, we had all the faith in the world that it was going to happen. The doctor told us that there was not a very good chance that Ryan's cryoperserved sperm would work, but we had faith. I went to the doctor every other day for ultrasounds, gave myself shots, and prayed that this would work. We went and visited my parents and family. One of my sisters told me that she had just found out that she was pregnant. She wanted to let me know before anyone else. I was excited to think that we would be pregnant at the same time. The next week I went in for the extraction of my eggs. They were going to inject the sperm and let us know if any of the eggs were fertilized. On Friday morning we got a call from the nurse, "I am so sorry, none of the eggs were fertilized." I couldn't believe it. I hung up the phone in sobs. We had faith, why didn't it work? Why did we get the impression that we were supposed to start our family? My mom called shortly after that and I just cried, "It didn't work, it didn't work." Everyone's hearts were breaking with ours. We went to Ryan's parent's house. His dad gave us both blessings and gave us some good advice. I don't think I stopped crying all day. Every time one of my sisters would call I had to relive that pain and heartache.
Over the next few months we had to grieve with the loss of the child we never had.
We eventually felt blessed that without being married a year, we knew that we were infertile and didn't have to deal with the month to month pain of not being pregnant. By the end of the year we were ready to start the adoption process. When we called LDS Family Services, they told us that we would have to wait until we had been married for two years before we could proceed. We asked for them to make a special exception, but they couldn't. So we waited. We toyed with the idea of the foster-adopt program, but after attending classes and filling out paperwork knew that it was not the right decision for us.

We have now been married over two years. Paperwork has been filled out, reference letters have been written, and we have met with our caseworker. We recently moved into our new house and have completed our home study. There is a room that has no other purpose than the future baby room. Now that we are in our house, things are feeling like they are moving along and things will happen sooner than later. It is starting to feel more real.
I have learned that adoption is not going to cure our infertility. I may still yearn for the desire to be pregnant and have a child that looks like me, but I can find joy in adoption, and more importantly motherhood. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and our little family. He loves us and cares about us. I don't know what to expect in the next few months as we are approved for adoption, but we will take it step by step. We know it may be an emotional rollercoaster, but in the end we hope to have the chance to bring a child into our home and someday take him or her to the temple and be sealed together as a family.


"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin "Come What May, and Love It"